Breathing....

Breathing Again....

One of the things I hoped to do with this new blog is some down-home-deep-digging-soul-baring-life-thinking-decision-changing-hard truths kinda journaling.  And I hadn't really done it yet.  Why?  Not sure since I regularly blog things in my head at night when I should be sleeping because I'm usually not sleeping.  But I'd like to blame it on time...never having enough...never doing enough with the time I have.  I have over-achiever-Type-A-never-slow-down-do-more-and never rest syndrome.  Guilty as charged.  I am someone who over the years has learned {or tried} to be plain-as-day-honest to myself, my friends and my family...lay it all out there...be who I am, express what I feel no matter what.  And some days that good intention gets mired down in the muck and mud of everyday living and lack of time.  But I'm trying, really trying and that's all we can do as humans is try our best.  Some days we give our best, some we try our best and some days we just hope for the best yes?  Amen.

The first step...breathing...first thing we do when we are born is breathe..breathing...the first step to everything

For the past 30+ years of my life I have packed it in.  Packed a lot of living in.  A lot of to-do's in.  School, marriage, kids, friends, jobs, trips...you name it and I either achieved it, tried it or aspired to it.  I had two kids 22 months apart after getting married young and out of school. {NO regrets} I quickly transitioned from full-time daughter, student and worker to full time stay at home mom and wife.  I filled my days with baby time, play dates, room mom duties, field trip mom, arts-n-crafts mom, baking mom, cleaning mom, chauffuer and then also a part-time working mom.  {NO regrets}.  My kids grew and they thrived and lived and soon headed to middle school.  The kid's "needs" started lessening in some ways for me and so I had time to start doing things that interested ME (SELF) again...starting to do art again, crafting again and meeting people that shared my passions and hobbies and making friends that weren't just the moms of my kid's friends.  I BREATHED AGAIN. Then I was suddenly working...full-time...from home but still working and I relished it. Kids grew into teens and headed to high school.  I went from super-busy-stay-at-home-do-everything mom to do-everything-but-add-in-full-time-work mom.  Never catch my breath...just move, go, work, do, and be within the 24 hours of each day.   I started working non-stop and traveling non-stop and doing non-stop.  I live in an area of the non-stop people...24 hour stores...cell phone at ready 24 hours...work with heed kinda town.  I NEEDED to be the everything-mom and the everything-wife and the everything-friend and the everything-worker....I can do it, I can be that woman.  That kind of pressure can cause cracks and frissons I have to say I didn't always see within myself.  I am seeing wisps of it now as I look back and think on it.  I see lumps of time that are foggy...I know I lived them and I know hours and days went by...but I can't always say I REMEMBER what I did in those moments.  If you can't remember moments does that mean they didn't matter?  I'm working on answering that right now myself and that's been a "whooooaaa nelly" revelation for me.  And I'm not unique...I'm not the sole person living like this...but I am the SOLE owner of my life and my body and my time....so I said to self "its time for some change and you're in charge".  And so I've been trying that change just a bit at a time.

I said I do everything 120%...and I don't lie.  If I'm into it...I'm into it 120% and then some...whatever it may be.  I was raised that way...taught to be that way...EXPECTED to be that way.  I liken it to almost an addiction...maybe not for someone else but for me goals, actions, work and to-do's are an addiction for me.  I fill as many to-do's as I can a day and try to add a few more in even after that...it never stops...like a merry-go-round of to-do's and have to's.   I'm a pusher...a self-pusher I've realized...if I'm sedentary I want to do more, do something, do ANYTHING...I feel anxious if I'm not doing SOMETHING.  So I've eased back on some things...lessened my work load a bit...trying to take some time to JUST BE.  Its hard I'm not gonna lie...its totally not me...I'm not really that girl...but being the overachiever I am I'm going to try real hard to be better.  And I've realized it only takes small slivers of time, time you already had but just didn't know how to use.

I figure I am doing it with bits and pieces of time and thoughts and moments and yes, even some work.  Because I do ENJOY work, I enjoy it a lot and would never stop but I'm learning to edit it a bit.  I enjoy life, my life...I want to suck up as much life as I can...with myself, my family and my friends.  I want to learn more, travel more, love more and be more. Always MORE MORE MORE! But I also want to just BE.  Listen to the quiet..STOP for a second...be IN the moment...be me...be nothing for a bit.  Not being in the moment AND thinking of the things I should or could be doing...the things I want to do...the things I'm "supposed" to do.  Is that part of the meaning of our lives...to edit ourselves and our lives over the course of time?  I have come to the conclusion, that for me, yes it is.  It may have taken me 39 years to get to it but I would not really be "ME" without all those paths I had taken, lumps, bumps, bruises and all.  So I have decided to try some new paths, veer off the comfortable roads and try the bumpy roads instead and see where they may lead.  They say fear is the greatest motivator...some of the things you are most fearful of are the things that you should head towards.  And admitting those fears is step one...that's the hardest part...but I'm going to share with you a few of my fears that the deepest part of me has held inside...because admitting these fears is facing the FEAR itself.

(1) Fear of not leaving an impact on the world and not having anyone know who you are or what your journey was in the time you lived your life on earth.  Making a difference...to life, to people, to everyting.
(2) Fear of time...the fear that there is never enough, not to do the things I want or need.
(3) Fear of non-achievement...never achieving the things that which I have esteemed for or aspired towards or think are important.  Not accomplishing my goals...whoa..there's the big "tostado" for me right there.
(4) Fear of imperfection...never doing it exactly right or how I "think" it should be or want it to be
(5) Fear of self-laziness and lack of motivation to do all the things I think "myself" should be doing
(6) Fear of failure or failing in other's expectations of myself
(7) Fear of rejection in life, relationships, work, and love

And it is with those SEVEN fears that I can see some of who I am and how I arrived to where I am now...its soul searching at its best with Ms. mySELF as my free therapist people! Whooooaaaa nelly, facing one's SELF is a hard one.  Once you lay it all bare you can see the how, why and what of your life in so many different ways it can be a bit unraveling.  Yes you can be critical if you choose or simply accept SELF as what it is...I accept who I am 100%.  Do I mean to rid myself of all my fears?  NO, its who I am and part of what makes me "ME".  But by better understanding them I can maybe make the better decision of what works best for me, at this time, in this life at this moment instead of what I HAVE to do because FEAR said so.  I'm not beating myself up about it, just taking the time to acknowledge how I am and who I am without blame, shame or fear or the worry/need to CHANGE it all at once or the need to change some things at all.

Tonight after the sun had set and temperatures had cooled, the teens were inside doing homework (hubby is away on business travel) that I set outside to finish up some "chores" that needed doing.  Cleaning up the patio from dinner, watering plants and wiping down pollen-dusted furniture and then to weed my vegetable garden.  Things I know I have to do and usually do mindlessly as quickly as possible so I can get to the next to-do item on my list.  Then I STOPPED...stopped even before I had started.  I've really been trying to follow what I preach and that of "living in the moment".  So as I watered the flowers I laughed as the dogs ran to the fence & barked at the same darn cats next door they see everyday and bark at...its always new to them regardless if they just saw them an hour ago. WOW...that was a bit of a revelation to me...doing the same things everyday but seeing them in a new light each time.  That's a whooooaaa nelly again.  And I'm not speaking of cleaning the toilet and seeing it anew each day people...come on now...I'm not that new-aged-therapist minded LOL.  But sometimes in life there are things that you do mindlessly, carelessly and maybe if for just a second, you thought about it in a new way it would change the course of that MOMENT.  Yeahhhhh that's what I want to do...see some things in a different light...have gratitude for BEING in that moment even if its doing something I may not be fond of.  Life is nothing but a series of moments.

Then I went down and weeded the garden...just me, my bare hands and the weeds.  Super quiet outside as everyone was inside in our neighborhood either finishing dinner or getting little ones ready for bed or relaxing for the day.  I realized that I for once was actually just "being"...pulling the weeds, enjoying the fresh air, listening to our local deer family rustle through the woods, watching the hummingbirds zipping around to all the flowers before nightfall, but most of all listening to the QUIET.  Instead of rushing through the chore, I took my time and just enjoyed the "quiet time", no interruptions, no one needing me at that moment in time....and instead of thinking of what was next on my list of to-do's...I just BREATHED.