Let's Get Real.....

Stripped Down & Brutally Honest......

I have had a crazy year...tumultuous you could even say.  Lots of changes hit me all at once along with the fun of being sick and recovering from surgery.  I can't say that 2014 has been a real treat to me and my body...however as always I feel its made me grow and change in positive ways, even through all the pain.

As most of you know I turned 40 this year, saw my daughter graduate high school and head to college, and I have spent many months recovering from illness and surgery.  Its been rough..I'm not going to lie to you and paint a pretty picture.  I know people tell me all the time that I am an inspiration or that I have such a great attitude about the roadblocks I've hit in my life...while I thank you for the praise I can't say that's truthful all the time. 

I am human, I have crappy days and moods and sometimes I put the "pity party" label on myself.  Then of course I usually smack myself and shake it off if I can.  But it does occur...I'm not some super human form of a woman...I'm just like everyone else doing the best I can in each day I've been blessed to be given.  

For me its been a lot of self-reflection on who I am, what I want to do and what can I accomplish in this crazy world. Because for so long I've been "the wife" and "the mother".and "the crafter/blogger"...roles I would never change nor do I regret but roles I have gotten very comfortable in.  And I'm a girl that likes comfort...I struggle with change...I love routines...the sameness of my days is comforting.  

And I've had a lot of changes lately.  With my kids leaving the nest (my son will be a senior in HS next year) I've been really questioning myself. 

WHO AM I?  

When you strip out the mom, wife, daughter, friend, crafter/blogger roles...who am I really?  And I came upon the answer that I just wasn't sure anymore.  I spent years focused on the mom and wife role and was comfortable with it. My husband works late hours and with the kids gone so much of the day now and soon to be for good, I was suddenly left with lots of time with just ME.  Then in my 30's I found blogging and papercrafting and focused on that when I could or while the kids were at school. I've always had art in my life in some form...I'm creative and its always been a great outlet for my spare time.  And for a few years I built my online classroom and traveled teaching art and made it my business and I loved it....until I didn't.  

It hit me that I was filling my extra time with chores, and extreme to-do lists, stressed out craziness and pushing myself constantly to the point that I guess I just broke.  

Yup, Suzanne broke late last year and I knew for my own health I had to make a huge change.  Couple that with turning 40, my kids growing up and my fairweather health it was a HUGE WAKE UP CALL for this girl. And I spent a few months just miserable in pain, depressed in this fog that wouldn't lift.  I had days upon days where I didn't get out of my pjs, could barely brush my teeth and was so physically and mentally exhausted I didn't care if I saw the next day..I really didn't.  So I started taking all that "down-time" analyzing what was happening.  I'm a big fan of psycho-analyzing myself...why do I do this, why do I say this, why, why, why?  And it came down to one clear point for me:

WHO AM I and WHAT CAN I DO TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN & Be Happy?

And some may call it a mid-life crisis but it was so much more than that for me.  For my entire life I have focused on being the best at anything and everything put in front of me.  Seeking perfection at every step of life can drive a person mad...its an endless quest that you just may never achieve. And I've been the one that people go to for cheering up, for a laugh, for a good time....grab Suz and we'll have a good time...it'll all be good!  She's the most positive person I know..if she is smiling then its all good....right?? RIGHT?

I've spent so much of my life mediating and trying to make everyone around me happy....but in that quest I lost how to really make myself happy. I literally had no clue who I was and how to be truly happy anymore...and it scared the living day lights out of me.  So how do I find out the answers to those questions while still taking care of those around me...because stopping that wasn't an option for me at any point.

So I set two immediate goals to focus on: 

 (1) focused on planning a beautiful graduation party for my daughter & being present for all her senior moments...because I am very goal oriented and I knew that wasn't about to change.

(2) strip everything off of my to-do list except living and planning the party and enjoying each moment until we sent her off to college

And then along the way I slowly started breathing again....

I had lots of talks with my husband and thank god for him....he's been so supportive, I really can't say enough about how much he has helped me this year with just listening and reasoning. He's always been my rock but this year he really helped me through some tough things.

He said something to me that was so simple yet so profound and really resonated with me.

He told me to just take some time off...that just because the kids are leaving the house doesn't mean I have to fill in all that time with STUFF because that's what I thought I should do.  Because that's what I THINK the world is expecting me to do.  He told me to take the time to enjoy it and figure out what it is that I WANT to do with no deadline in place.

PHEW......lightening bolt moment right there folks.

I've been so afraid of losing the "mom" role at home that I was stressing myself out trying to figure out what I would do once they were gone.  What would I do and be?

WHY???  

Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves all the time for this quest to be BUSY...if every minute isn't filled with an activity to produce results we feel defeated.  Not good enough...a loser...lazy...weak...all these toxic words.

I felt so "unaccomplished" many days if I didn't check off everything on my very long, never ending to-do list.  If I didn't finish the laundry, cook a 4 course meal, run errands, reorganize a closet, mop the floors, go through 1000 emails, post 5 blog posts and make 10 projects in a day I felt defeated...like I was worthless.  I didn't succeed in my day.  Sounds crazy right?  Sure it does...but that's how I've lived my life since I was 10 years old...perform, perform, perform, perfect everything and get results.  I'm just surprised that my body and mind survived the craziness the past 30 years...I have not been very kind to myself and now I was paying for it.

So I started doing CRAZY things every day just to test the waters!  Yup I did crazy stuff y'all! 

I sat down to read a book in the middle of the day, I didn't fold my laundry the day it was washed, I called for takeout food for dinner, I didn't vacuum everyday, I didn't produce 10 projects, I ignored some emails, my to-do list got lost....and you know what?  

My life didn't change for the worse...the world didn't stop revolving...no one really cared that I didn't do those things.  At first I apologized to my family..."I'm sorry but I just don't have dinner ready tonight"..."I'm sorry but the laundry won't be done today"..."I'm sorry there is cat hair on the stairs".  And my husband looked at me one night and asked me why I kept apologizing..no one was mad at me, everyone knew that I would probably get those things done at some point...NO ONE was punishing me except for myself.  

I still was punishing myself.....

Again another light bulb moment! DING DING DING.....

I started reminding myself that no one that matters to me will punish ME for taking some time to be happy..to find things that make me happy...to just take time to breathe and enjoy.

And that's when everything started to change for me....right there in that moment I knew I could change and not make it a race to the happiness finish line.  Its not a marathon for me to find ME or find what makes me happy...its all about the journey because its meant to be a journey throughout my life till the very end. I'm so used to rushing from one chore to the next, one thought to the next that I never really focused on each thing put in front of me. 

So I'm still on a quest to find myself and to just be happy.  So much unhappiness in this world and I was contributing to it unknowingly.  NO MORE!  So I still keep my house clean but I try not to apologize or stress because a few kitty-fur-balls are rolling on the floor or some dust is on my dining room table.  If dinner isn't perfect and just consists of eggs and pancakes, well that's fun too. Instead of rushing through dinner prep I started listening to music and taking my time enjoying the act of cooking.  If I want to go on a long walk and take photographs and then come back and read my book...I do it.  I started listening to what my body AND mind needed.   And some days I still rush around and yes I'm still stressed about certain things because that's just part of life...but I know that in the next moment or day I can attempt to quiet everything again.  

Slow & steady is my mantra these days.  Be present....breathe....relax...enjoy.

I'm exercising without stressing about it so much these days.  I found that I enjoy working out because its time I can focus on myself...that time is spent of making my body healthy..that body has taken a beating and it needs this time and commitment.  To learn that I'm not being selfish for taking that time...because if I'm relaxed and happy each day I am only making the day BETTER for those around me as well.  Yoga has become more than a fun thing to try...its become a way of life for me at a moment in my life when I really needed it. Perhaps yoga won't be your outlet but for me its helped me really focus and be a little selfish.  I meditate before yoga and I clear out the negative thoughts, I breathe, I check in with myself and work through the issues in a mindful manner.

I ignored by body and mental health for so long that I cannot expect it to all change over night...I have to relax and know that I can change one day at a time.

And I cleaned out the toxic things that were cluttering up my life the best I could....no more toxic people, no toxic activities whatever it may be,  and no more toxic thoughts.  Reading the news without becoming consumed with the bad news.  Supporting friends and family without taking on their load completely.  Loving my family with all my heart but not obliterating my soul while doing it.  Getting rid of all the darn to-do lists and just getting done what gets done without any crazy expectations. Taking some time each day to focus on things that are important to me.

Most of all....just learning to be a friend to myself.  

I'd lost my friend to the craziness of life and I have to say I'm really enjoying finding her again...I missed her.

Because she's important, she's really fun, she is stronger than she thought, she is loyal and loving, she is finding peace, she is enjoying both the bad & good moments, she is creative and she has learned how to breathe again.

She is ME.
And she continues to be a work in progress.....

*****************

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Healthy Helpers....

HELP ME, HELP YOU.....

I'm on week 8 of my healthy living, exercising and eating and I'm down 15 lbs...whoot whoot!  Slow & steady and I'm feeling so much stronger.  I've increased the time of my workouts and the pace...but still doing cardio/weights 6 times a week and yoga 7 days a week.  I can see muscles in my arms and I'm soooo LOVING that...these arms can hold a plank and do push-ups for a long time now.  Remember meal plans for each week are linked under the HEALTHY LIVING tab at top of my blog (I have to add in last week & this week's...I promise to have it done this week lol).

I thought I'd share a couple of my "helpers" that I've found enable me to put in the best workout I can and some videos/workouts I'm loving right now.

WAG Gloves 

I got these gloves after several recommendations from yoga instructors and I must admit they weren't cheap but they were worth every dang penny.  I have funky joints especially in my hands and wrists and sometimes I simply couldn't hold a pose because my wrists were in so much pain.  Well these babies have a gel insert in them that keep your wrists from overextending themselves and makes holding the poses a bit easier...they don't decrease the amount of strength you can get..they simply help your wrists FEEL better.  So if you have any issue like me, they are worth the investment.  And they can be used for any workout...I don't just use them for yoga but for pilates and any floor/core work.  (they also help with grip issues if you are sweaty or on a slippery surface)

ToeSox

There are ALL kinds of yoga socks and wraps out there...just research what works best for you.  I alternated between the wraps and socks but figured I'd START with the socks and see how they do.  I got them for grip reasons, not to hold in my ankles or anything.  I slide even on my Gaiam yoga mat so thought these would help a bit.  They are only $16 and come in all different colors and styles (and full-toe versions too).  The Nike studio wraps are here if you want to compare.

Lifefactory Glass Bottle

I have a weird quirk...I have a few actually but we'll only talk about one today LOL!  I hate drining out of anything plastic..HATE IT!  If its the only choice then I will deal with it but I prefer glass.  (hate that crinkling noise & I know those bottles are made with all kinds of chemicals..yucky)  My family knows that I will only drink out of our glass glasses and my older water bottles were stainless steel which isn't terrible but I don't like it much either.  So a few months ago I saw these in one of my exercise magazines and knew I had to order it.  I drink A LOT of water these days and I love that this is a glass bottle and you can use a straw, I just pour it in my mouth lol..I keep it filled up all day with ice-cold water.  They come in different colors and what not...but I really do love it.

Empower Fingertip Grip Medicine Ball with DVD 
 I also am really liking adding a medicine ball routine to my workout 1-2 times a week along with the kettle bell.  The medicine ball really works your core out and is great lo-impact exercise to get you in shape fast. This ball comes with a DVD and I went with the 6lbs (they have 4 & 8 lbs as well).  You can find lots of other medicine ball workouts on Youtube and Amazon to mix it up.  I like to use different videos regularly so I don't get bored and my body doesn't get complacent...its a win/win!

*********

YouTube has some amazing workout videos...and they're FREE..nothing better than that.  Make sure you read the reviews on the videos and make sure that they are getting fairly good feed back.  You don't want to watch a video where the wrong form is used or they do something that isn't safe for your body.  

Right now I'm loving the short 15-30 minute yoga videos put out by Meera Hoffman and Erica on youtube...both are certified yoga instructors. They have great, lean bodies..nice voices..and good explanations of all the moves and range from beginner to intermediate.  I do 30 minutes of stretch & energizing yoga in the morning and another 30-45 minutes of calorie burning yoga in the afternoons. Jillian Michaels Yoga Meltdown is on youtube too and its a workout.  But just enter yoga, beginner yoga, 30 minute yoga and go through the videos.  Everyone likes different versions, voices and techniques so you have to find one you really like.

Like I said before I was never a yoga lover...but at this moment in my life its exactly what I needed. I cannot express how much better I feel after I do yoga...my body feels stretched, relaxed and out of pain and my mind is lighter and freer.  The hubs asked me the other day if I was going to turn into a yogi because everytime he's around I say "I gotta go do some more yoga" hahaha!  I'm committed to it now and if I miss a workout I feel slightly out of sorts. So no matter what I get in at least 30 mins of yoga and 30 mins of cardio/weights six times a week whenever I can.


Do you have any exercising helpers to share??

BEAST MODE!

Happy Wednesday Friends!!

So a few people emailed me and asked me what my favorite workout clothes were...which I, in part thought was hilarious...because I'm ummmm, not the best workout dresser there ever lived.  Just saying ;)  I don't go overly stylish...I go for comfort and clothes that are clean hahaha! I don't feel the need to have $100 Lululemon pants (even though I've heard they are great) and everything doesn't have to be matchy matchy for me to be able to get in a good workout.

However I do like clothes that fit well and breathe well...those things ARE very important to me.  

I'm not the girl you will see out in her sports bra...no way, never...nor will you see me in crop tops.  Hey, I may be getting fit and all that but at age 40 I'm just not into showing off my belly no matter how good it may look.  I like to have t-shirts and tanks on to cover up that area...but that's just me.  If you got it & want to flaunt it...then why the hell not...that's up to you!!

I own the following items:

sports bras

long, loose t-shirts

longer tanks

workout shorts

yoga pants
warm-up jacket

yoga capris/running capris

running shoes

Beast Mode T-Shirt
 This was a fun t-shirt I got from Amazon as well..it makes me smile & comes in lots of colors!
I liked the pink best..sometimes you gotta have some fun in your style right?

These t-shirts from Reebok are my fave...a little silky, easy to move in, great colors & only $20!

I try to pick out t-shirts that are made of wicking materials that also breathe well...no one likes a sweaty, clingy shirt while they are working out.  I usually order a size larger because I like them a bit more slouchy.  I pay from $7 - $30 for my shirts...lots of times I see them at Target for $12-15 and will pick up a couple.  You don't have to have the most expensive, name-brand workout clothes to get the job done....spending big $$ on workout clothes seems silly to me...I'd rather spend it on shoes, purses or items for my house LOL!

Victoria Secret Yoga Pants
Yoga pants...I LOVE yoga pants...great for all kinds of exercise.  Now you won't find me wearing them out of the house unless its a quick run to the grocery store or to a doctors appt...I prefer other pants for being "out" LOL!  But these are hands down my favorite...they are under $40 and wear so well.  I have had 2 pair for over 4 years that still look great...so many colors to choose from too!

Spalding Women's Capri Legging

I like the yoga/running capris a lot.  I have 5 pairs and they wash and wear well.  I got a couple pair from Amazon that are by Spalding that I love, love, love..and only $18 a pair.  I prefer to get my pants in neutral colors (black, gray, navy) because then I can pair them with fun, colored shirts and tanks...but that's just me.

Because I do yoga a lot I like workout apparel that works for yoga AND all the other exercises too.  I love these Under Armour shorts when its warmer or I'm doing power yoga and need to have my skin BREATHE and feel the air LOL!  $19 a pair...I have 3 pair and they are fab!  There are longer versions available if these are too short...or looser running shorts for those that need that style too.

I also have a slim-fitting warm-up jacket...this one is pretty similar to mine. Its great for workouts outside when the weather has a bit more nip in the air but not yet freezing.  Also great for heading out to the gym.

I also like loose-fitting sweatshirts...these are my current fave because they ware so soft, a little slouchy and a great price at Nordstroms.  I have 2...shhhh I want another though..and they are on sale..bonus!  ;)

Sweaty Bands 
And if you have long hair you know you gotta have that up and out of the way...nothing like hair sticking to sweat...EWWYUCKY!  I usually wear a high ponytail or bun when I'm working out BUT I use these Sweaty Bands as well to keep hair from slipping into my face. I love these bands..I have 2 of them and they are super comfy, fun patterns and work well on the sweat beads.

Last but not least there are sports bras!  I'm not going to list any that I wear because they are so buyer-specific and really you have to find one that you love.  Its so important to have one that is comfortable & supportive.  I have two from Victoria's Secret, one from Nike and one from Under Armour and I love them all....different styles but ones that I can wear doing most exercises.  So shop around...try them ON please...and find one that works best for you!  And you "may" pay more for a sports bra than you originally wanted to...but if it works wonders why you are boppin' away at a workout its worth every penny trust me!


So there ya go..you now know what I'm wearing when I go full BEAST MODE!!